A sudden understanding...
Growing up, I was the youngest of four very active children. My parents were constantly on-the-go taking us to soccer and basketball practices, games and tournaments. It was rare that a weekend went by throughout the year without us all being somewhere for some sport because we all did our sports year-round. My parents were the ultimate support system and were at every single game, cheering us on. My poor mom-I used to make fun of her because she would often cry if one of us did really well during our game, making key plays or if our team won big tournaments...and it wasn't just sporting events, but other things too like academic and other extracurricular achievements. I knew it was all exciting, but never quite understood the whole cry-worthy aspect of everything and chalked it up to her being "overly emotional", and teased her a lot for it (real nice kid, huh?).
Now, I get it.
Today, I was strapping my oldest, Luke, into his car seat and images of buckling him into his infant car seat popped into my mind. Annnnd I started crying (and in fact am getting teary eyed all over again just typing this up, lol). Poor Luke immediately noticed and asked me what was wrong, and I told him I was just happy and sad about how big he was and that he was turning four tomorrow. His response? "Don't be sad Mommy, I'm so excited I'm getting to be such a big boy now!" ::Cue more tears from Mommy::
I've been really emotional about this birthday for a while now, and I've been asking myself a lot, "Why this one???" There's no significance to the age of four itself. Except, I know what's to come. And I see on a daily basis what's happening. Gone is my baby boy-the one who adored Sesame Street and dancing to his singing Elmo toys; the one would LAUGH to his hearts delight playing peek-a-boo from his crib with me; who from time-to-time wanted to do things on his own, but also loved to have us do everything with him. The boy who loved his Little People toys, would get overly excited about bubbles (see below), would try dragging his blankie around everywhere, and had the cutest little raspy voice.
Now? He's able to do so much on his own, and continues to be more and more independent each and every day. He likes to have responsibilities like feeding the pets, and helping set/clear the table. He LOOKS more and more like a little boy and less like a toddler with each passing day. AND he's starting preschool in the fall, and is all signed up for a science camp this summer. My days are numbered in having him home with me full-time, being my big helper, teaching him things, playing and having fun. The school years will officially begin, and although a big part of me is excited about experiencing that and knowing how much fun he's going to have with it, part of me is also very sad that we're already to that stage and my baby boy is growing up so fast. Before I know it, sports and other activities will be starting up, and the whole time part of my is screaming, "WAITTTT! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!!"
They tell us to live in the moment and to enjoy all the little things that life has to offer because you never know when your expiration date is up. To enjoy every little second with our kids because in the blink of an eye, they're all grown up and have kids of their own. I have never realized or truly appreciated either of these things more than I have since having kids. It seems like yesterday we were bringing Luke home from the hospital, the most exhausted we'd ever been but totally in love with our new roles in life. He's always been such a happy, silly, easy-going kid that has a big heart that he wears on his sleeve. I won't lie-this past year has come with many parenting challenges in learning how to deal with the sudden horrendous toddler behavior (tantrums, telling us "no", bedtime battles, etc.), and I've spent many days on the phone with my mom or husband crying and feeling like a major failure as a mom. I've even resorted to internet research and getting books out at the library-anything to try and make it through this rough stage. But even on those really rough days, I'm constantly reminded of the sweet boy we have through a small simple things, like an act of seeking his sister out to give her a random hug or kiss; or to give me a hug or kiss and tell me he loves me.
It's those little things that tell me that maybe I'm doing something right, and it's all just a phase.
He will always be my baby...my little Monkey...no matter what his age, and I will never cease to be amazed by him and his constant curious nature of the wonders of the world. I often wonder what his future has in store for him, because he has such a love and passion for everything: nature, mechanics and engineering, animals, law enforcement-and all on top of a sharp memory and vivid imagination.
Oh how I love this sweet boy so, and while yes, it breaks my heart in some ways to let go of our first chapter together and start embracing this new one we're venturing on, I know that the world is at his fingertips and that he's destined to make a difference. I have a feeling he is going to have a lot to offer, and only hope I live long enough to see him make his mark. As his mom, I plan to be there every step of the way, cheering him on as my Mom (and Dad) did me, crying over and celebrating the small and large achievements and big moments in life he accomplishes. Motherhood has allowed me to see things in a new light, to really appreciate the little things, and to learn that all those tears my mom cried were not just due to being "overly emotional". They were in fact tears of love, pride, and happiness, and as emotional as it may make us seem, those tears are something that our children will remember forever, and hopefully some day come to gratefully understand and appreciate as they enter parenthood themselves. I get it now mom...I get it...and am sorry for making fun of you all those years. I KNOW I will be shedding those same tears for my own children, and can only hope they'll be kind enough not to make fun of me for it. <3
